Ohhh yeeeeaaah, I got your attention now, didn’t I? Some of you are straight up perturbed now, huh? Sorry, not sorry.
While the Thurmanator may be a legendary beast of mythic proportions I still gotta only give it number eight.
Is it delicious? Sure. Is it an impressive sight to behold? I’ll give you that. But what is this thing trying to make up for? Huh? You ever ask yourself that?
Yeah, it could probably win every competition at the Arnold Classic, but when it comes to the best of the best burgers I gotta take points because of obvious performance enhancers. Sorry dude, but I never forgave you for killing off Prince Oberyn.
Where: 183 Thurman Ave, Columbus, OH 43206
A half pound burger encased in cracked black pepper? What’s not to like?
O’Reilly’s Black Pepper Burger is a long time staple in the Columbus area. So much so, it practically has its own cult following.
You don’t have to rock the red Converses to love it though, this burger’s enjoyable for even the most skeptic of fans.
Where: 2822 N High St, Columbus, OH 43202
This is another one of those that aren’t too well known but you just have to love their theme.
All the burgers are named after famous pugilists and there are boxing paraphernalia decorating the walls. The Ali Burger comes ready to throw down with a 3/4 pound burger, coleslaw, sharp cheddar, and topped with a fried onion ring.
Other burgers can bring the fight but they’re not going to be able to lay a hand on the Ali, it’s just “too pretty”!
Where: 19 N Pearl St, Columbus, OH 43215
Okay, so this one doesn’t confine itself to your burger stereotypes.
It trades the traditional beef for ground duck and it doesn’t make any apologies for it.
It takes its burger heresy a step further by adding pepper jack, pickled jalapeno, red onions, spinach, tomatoes, habanero mayo, all on a brioche bun. It breaks all the rules because it believes in nothing.
Embrace its nihilistic cuisine, you know you want to.
Where: 463 N High St, Columbus, OH 43215
Pat and Gracie’s pays homage to a sordid local history, what better way to do that than with this outrageous masterpiece of a hamburger.
I’m talking two smashed patties topped with Monterey jack cheese, avocado, caramelized onions, and house-made chimichurri sauce. If this doesn’t get your mouth watering you’re officially dead on the inside.
Where: 138 Graceland Blvd, Columbus, OH 43214
Now we’re stepping into top three material, where we separate the average schmucks from the truly great.
Starting right into that is the Tavern Burger from Rockmill.
It comes topped with bacon jam, pickled onion, extra sharp Tillamook cheddar, ciabatta, and dijannaise. Comparing other burgers to this guy is like comparing a Big Buford to a Rembrandt (even though its fast-food goodness will always have a place in my heart).
Where: 503 S Front St, Columbus, OH 43215
The Grandview Cafe is newly reopened and ready to blow the competition out of the water.
The GC Burger comes in at second place with its dry-aged beef, bourbon caramelized onion, smoked bacon, tomato jam, and white cheddar, all on a pretzel roll.
Even though it’s the new kid on the block, this burger struts in stomping on everyone’s Pumas. Don’t be fooled by the cafe’s fancy, chic look, this burger is like eating a DMX song after winning a cage match against an armed bear.
You’re going to feel pretty good about yourself. You might even pound a chest or two afterward.
Where: 1455 W 3rd Ave, Columbus, OH 43212
Philco’s Phillip Burger squeezes itself into first place and it does so for the very opposite reasons as the GC Burger.
While the GC Burger was an outrageous and beautiful animal, the Phillip Burger shows restraint.
On the surface, it’s not doing anything showy or flashy, but this thing packs a lot of flavor. It’s a 6-ounce patty that comes equipped with oven-dried tomatoes, arugula, grilled onions, spicy pickle, mayo, cheddar, all on challah bread.
It’s elegant. It’s tasteful. It’s Neo at the end of the Matrix kung fu-ing the crap out of Agent Smith without even trying.
Don’t take my word for it though, go on into Philco’s and try it for yourself.
Just be ready for this burger to take out your taste buds like a finely tuned Jet Li in his prime.
Where: 747 N High St, Columbus, OH 43215
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