Dating isn’t that hard, you’re just bad at it.
Trying to think of the perfect first date can be stressful for anyone. Worrying about whether the other person likes Chinese food or if they enjoy bowling or movies can be a hassle.
That’s why a list of perfect date ideas would be a super useful tool for the tragically lonely and hopelessly single.
Unfortunately, this isn’t that.
This is a list of the worst first date ideas ever. It’s not nearly as helpful for dating, but hey, neither are you.
1. The BMV
The BMV can be a super tempting place for a date.
What with the stark gray ambiance, and that paralyzing sanitized muzak playing through the speakers. Love never had so fertile a ground. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case.
Something about long lines of sweaty rude people with terrible breath and terrible hair apparently just doesn’t do it for most people. This doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy an exciting day at the BMV just for you.
Almost every pop psychologist and blogger suggests you take yourself out on a date every once in a while. So go crazy. Renew your license. Take a new ID photo. Heck, go all out and finally apply for that passport. Treat. Yo. Self.
2. A Good Concert
If you find yourself as one of those unfortunate souls that tend to enjoy good music or talented musicians, then you have our sincerest condolences. You must never, ever, admit to anyone your shameful, sick vice of liking dope tunes.
Everyone else’s taste in music is awful and they’re all awful people and you have to accept that. Instead of taking your date to see The Rapture or Run The Jewels, try taking them to Coldplay or America’s favorite almost punk band, Green Day.
You’ll cry, you might even feel physical pain, but by gum, you’re fitting in and that’s the most important thing when it comes to finding love. That’s right. Keep those tears on the inside. Hold the existential terror at bay. You’re doing it. You’re fitting in.
3. Go To A Protest
It doesn’t matter what your political interests are, it’s probably not polite to bring them up over dinner on the first date. Meaningful discourse makes people uncomfortable, besides, you’re the only person that thinks about weird stuff like that and no one wants to hear about it. It’s especially impolite to bring your date to a political protest. Not only is it usually super crowded with nowhere to sit, the customer service is awful. You can be standing around for hours before anyone takes your order, if at all. If you do decide on dinner at a rally, I recommend you check the yelp reviews first.
4. Take Them To An Open Mic Where You’re Performing
Going to check out an open mic? Sweet. Awesome. Taking your date to see you perform at an open mic? Naw. Just, naw.
There’s two reasons for that. One: You are probably awful at what you enjoy doing. Don’t feel bad though, most people are. That’s why America is so sad on the inside. Do you really want to go up there and get heckled for 5 minutes while your date watches you nervously, eyeing the closest exits? No.
The other reason: say you do rock, you’re awesome at singing or making with the funny, what are they supposed to think? That you brought them all this way to shove your awesome accordion skills in their face? To taunt them because they never pursued that dream of being a ventriloquist, causing them to run away in tears? Don’t forget: everyone in America is sad on the inside.
5. Churches Chicken
First off, if you actually attempt to pull this off you get SO MUCH RESPECT FROM ME. Seriously, mad props.
Unfortunately, your date will probably dip out real quick, especially since I don’t remember the last time I saw a Churches Chicken anywhere near a place that wasn’t at least vaguely shady. But even if they do leave, it’s all good.
That’s just more greasy goodness and dirty rice for you.
They don’t sell dirty rice at Churches Chicken anymore? When did that happen? Then why are we even here? Ugh, I take it all back, everything is ruined.
6. An Arcade Bar
An arcade bar is a good idea, right? Booze, games, how is that not fun?
Stupid and wrong.
First dates aren’t supposed to be fun, they’re supposed to be nerve-racking and boring and at a restaurant that you don’t like. Chances are, if you think you’ll have a good time there, you’ve picked the wrong place for a first date.
My recommendation would be something like a Twilight Movie Museum (I’m sure they exist somewhere) or a nice walk through a hardware store. Besides, all those flashing lights are distracting you from sweating nervously and paying too much attention to your body language. How is the other person supposed to know you dig them if you’re not a barely functioning anxious mess?
Pull out your A-Game by thinking about trying not to stare too much and blinking at odd intervals. Yeah. You got it ace.
7. Dinner At Your House
First off, you should ask yourself one question: Do you even cook bruh? If the answer isn’t a definitive ‘yes’ then you probably shouldn’t be forcing people to eat whatever barely edible nonsense you decide to put together. Besides, people don’t want to go over to your house, you weirdo. What are you gonna do? Show off your Gilmore Girls posters or your unironic DVD collection of awful CW tv shows?
Instead, take your date to a very loud bar. Preferably one with overly aggressive patrons and a mechanical bull. Who needs conversation? You have tequila and you are mighty. Rip off your sleeves and show your date your shoulder tattoo of Chinese calligraphy that you’re pretty sure translates to ‘Mountain Dew’.
By now you should have a pretty good idea of what kind of dates you should steer clear from.
Following my advice, you should find yourself hubbied or wifed up in no time. If you still can’t seem to find yourself a mate then you’re more than likely going to be alone for forever and always.
Maybe you should just wait it out? How about you make yourself a bowl of ramen and stay home? Maybe watch your terrible CW shows and just don’t think about it so much.
Life is already hard enough as it is, worrying about trying to find the perfect date shouldn’t have to be. Or maybe we should just accept the truth as it is: There is no such thing as that one, magical, perfect date and that’s totally okay.