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Originally published 3/10/2017. Updated 8/9/2018.
Trust me I get it. Whether you’ve been up late trying to get a project done, deeply entrenched in an all-night boozing sesh’, or you just plain old can’t sleep, the late night munchies get to the best of us.
But you don’t have to resign yourself to trashy drive-thrus and frozen pizzas. No, instead become a connoisseur of the nocturnal grub pubs. Check out these killer late night spots and never settle for a tv dinner or Hotpocket ever again. Okay, maybe you can settle sometimes. Hotpockets are pretty dang delightful.
This is one of our city’s favorite neighborhood bar and grills. For $8.50 you can get beef/pork meatloaf, housemade bbq sauce, American cheese, lettuce (totally ordering it without that crap), red onion, and mayo on two slabs of Texas toast. Why would anyone make such a delicious monstrosity you say? Because it’s America, that’s why. Or if you really wanna get American you can order a triple cheese burger with added bacon and a fried egg. That’s more American than a zippo lighter with a screaming eagle on it, inside a display case at the gas station. Mm-hm, yeah brudder’. Do it. I dare you.
Kitchen closes at 1am
Not only is this a pretty cool neighborhood bar with a diverse group of regulars, but it’s got a hugely dope grub menu as well. I recommend the Red Masher; A grilled cheese sammy with red mashed potatoes, broccoli, bacon bits, melted cheddar, and havarti all between two slices of sourdough bread. Yeah. I bet that does something for ya’, doesn’t it. That moment when you’ve had more than a few shots of 4roses and you’re on the struggle bus but then the bartender saves your life by sliding a Red Masher in front of you.
Kitchen closes at 1am
You ever wanted to try a hot dog topped with baked beans, sour cream, and crushed up potato chips? Yeah… heh, me neither. And I’ve definitely never ordered one at 1:30 in the morning right after doing ‘Intergalactic’ by the Beastie Boys for karaoke and absolutely CRUSHING IT. That would be ridiculous and wrong and oh so awesome. But if you wanna be boring and order normal human food you can totally get a dog topped with a sweetcorn, pickle relish, jalapeno blend with a dash of celery salt (It’s called the Ohioana and it is DOPE). Just a warning though, food cowards are not revered here.
Kitchen Closes at 1:45am
You can trick out some really cool tacos at condado. With more topping and tortilla options than I can name, everything comes out fully customizable. So if you’re one of those brave young souls who can actually eat late night tacos without your digestive system trying to murder-melt your entire body with gastric acid, then you need to check this place out. Also, know that I hate you and that your supple, smooth skin will one day erode in the cruel sun as mine has, you youthful monsters you.
Closes at 2am
Not only do they have some pretty killer pizza but they also sport a pretty decent beer selection, including one of my absolute favorites; Left Handed Milk Stout. So good. All of their toppings and sauce taste fantastic but do yourself a favor and ONLY EVER ORDER THE SMOKIN’ JOES CRUST. I mean, sure, the other crust is great, but the Smokin’ Joes Crust is a revelation. This place was once famed to stay open 24 hours but they sold out completely and now are only open until about 2:30am like a bunch of squares. You can’t complain too much though, they still have some of the best pizza in the whole of the Arch City.
Closes at 2:30am
This place has been a German Village staple since 1939. It’s the perfect place to go out with the squad, order a couple larges, and go to town on some cajun chicken pizza. They’ve got some of the best crust and toppings in the city, that is if you’re not immediately scared off by their incredibly creepy mascot thing. It looks like a Tolkein-esque nightmare in a pizza-bowtie. I can’t even look at the thing for too long without my skin crawling. Yeesh.
Closes Monday through Thursday at midnight, Friday & Saturday at 2:30am, and Sunday at 10 p.m.
Home of the glorious Thurmanator, a burger spoken of only in hushed tones of fear and reverence. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to describe the true terrifying nature of the monstrosity and do it any justice so I’ll quote directly from their menu; “The scene: Bottom bun, mayo, lettuce, tomato, pickle, banana peppers, 12 OUNCE BURGER, bacon, cheddar, ANOTHER 12 OUNCE BURGER, sautéed mushrooms & onions, ham, mozzarella & American cheese, top bun served with fries and a pickle spear”. Dear. God. So hefty and challenging is this juggernaut of ground beef that they had to send in a specialist to examine the thing; Adam Richman from the famed show Man Vs. Food. It’s really less of a burger and more of a rugged animal demi god that happens to prefer wearing buns instead of a toga. If you plan on challenging this guy, good luck and godspeed.
Closes at 12am
Mikey’s Late Night Slice is the veritable holy promised land for the desperately hungry, nocturnal city dweller. Yeah, sometimes you leave the bar a little too late to hit up the other spots listed, but if you miss a Mikey’s late night before closing, you straight up don’t deserve to eat. You take your hungry self to bed and wallow in your tummy growling shame. Not only is their pizza super clutch, but their Unicorn sauce (formerly known as slut sauce) could make a pair of work boots edible (and arguably good eatin’ at that).
Closes at 3am Sunday through Thursday, 4am on Friday and Saturday
I’m not gonna lie here, this is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So what if I have tzatziki sauce dribbling down my tie and blazer, so what if me and my friends are reduced to communicating through a series of grunts and ‘mmm’s as we shove that pita goodness down our mouths. The important thing here is lamb. Lamb and whatever other less important stuff goes into a gyro. You know who’s not judging us? Gyro cart guy. Gyro cart guy is down. Plus, the sheer business acumen and audacity it takes to park a gyro cart in front of a nightclub just before close is slow clap worthy. If you ever walk out of a club and see a food cart of any kind, you take that unicorn, and you ride that thing straight into the sun.
Closing time: Pfft, these dudes are too legit to quit.
Happy eating, Columbus.
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