Because there are more local beers out there than IPAs you guys
Look Columbus, we need to talk. First off, just know that everyone at Columbus Navigator loves and respects you. We wouldn’t be here for you if we didn’t. We’ve had some pretty killer times. With that said, it’s time to confront the elephant in the room. Columbus; you have a hops addiction. Don’t try to deny it. When was the last time you went to the bar and didn’t have eight different overrated IPAs to choose from? And look I get it, IPAs, although rather simplistic, one-note, and wholly indistinguishable from each other, can sometimes be… refreshing. And that’s cool. But before you move into your mom’s basement and start a Breaking Bad IPA only microbrew racket, let’s take a look at some local beers in the city and actually acknowledge that other beers have a right to exist and why they should (because they’re literally all better than IPAs)
Seventh Son American Strong Ale
Alright, let’s just ease you in with this one. Seventh Son’s namesake beer is an American Strong Ale with close to 8 percent alcohol by volume, so tread carefully. Deeply related to the IPA in that it has an overabundance of hops for no feasible reason, this American Strong Ale in particular bench presses 7 different types of the bitter buds. It’s not afraid to take off its shirt and show you it’s perfectly sculpted malts in the middle of the party. It’s bold, it takes chances, it knows all of Channing Tatum’s dance moves from Magic Mike one and two. I just, you know, wouldn’t ask it any difficult questions or take him home to the parents just yet (This one might be a phase Janet, reel it back).
Dark Force Lager
This beer, though dark and with a sharp flavor, goes down deceptively smooth. Smooth enough, at least, to earn it a bronze medal in a beer competition in 2007. But calm down, that doesn’t make it PBR or anything. I’m just saying, they won at a friggin world fair while the Ferris wheel was being invented and a wild serial killer was roaming the streets, (And yeah, that all actually happened, have none of you read Devil in the White City?!) Perhaps the most amazing thing about this beer is that I could describe it without using one single Star Wars pun. Personal victories make beer taste better. Seriously though you guys, don’t underestimate the force *double snap, pistol fingers*.
Besides the fact that Hefeweizen, or anything in German for that matter, sounds mildly terrifying when said out loud, they’re actually super delicious ales. Light and refreshing with notes of banana, this beer can be drunk anytime, anywhere. Well, probably not at the doctor’s office. Or, you know, in the back of a police cruiser. Or at your Great Aunt Rita’s 90th birthday party. You know what? Nix that last one, go for it, you’re gonna need it to deal with Uncle Andy.
Mom Jeans Double Milk Stout
This double creamy, smoothly sweet stout offers some mouth watering flavor packed into an 8% beer. The name of the beer itself is pretty awesome and totally goes with Hoof Hearted’s irreverent comedic stylings, something desperately refreshing in a world of beer that takes itself way too seriously at times. All this beer wants to do is protect you, take you out for a nice relaxing shopping trip to the K-Mart, and maybe hit up some oldskool, square cut, Little Caesar’s on the way home. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to go listen to some mid-90s music and make a phone call to my mother right now… I’m not crying, you’re crying! Shut up!
Clear Sky Cream Ale
Okay guys, let’s have a little tête-à-tête about the word “mouthfeel”. I know, I feel super gross just saying it but, apparently, it’s a real thing that people use to describe stuff. I promised myself years ago that I’d never become quite pretentious enough to use it in any serious sense but I gotta say, this beer, it’s got the mouthfeel for days. Mouthfeel is defined as the physical sensation produced by food or drink, and with the light foam and tiny bubbles, this drink definitely adds texture. So yeah. Mouthfeel. *shudders*
Glory Pale Wheat Ale
First off, wheats, in general, are criminally underrated and this Pale Wheat Ale is no different. It has slightly citrusy notes and the sharpness of hops, but with the drinkable finish that you can usually expect from a wheat. Highly recommended for any recovering hop head, this ale sports the hometown colors of the Columbus Crew. It definitely puts the team on it’s back, slides screaming into the end zone, and straight up dunks over the baffled gasps of its enemies. Also, now is probably a good time to let you guys know I have no idea how soccer is played. Like, at all.
Brass Knuckle Pale Ale
Now I know what you’re going to say. “But Zoey,” you’ll whine most nasally, “you said you weren’t going to list any IPAS and Pale Ales are pretty much the same thing right?” Allow me to riposte: Naw son. While Indian Pale Ales do in fact fall under the category of Pale Ales, not all Pale Ales are, in fact, IPAs. Besides, Pale Ales tend to have a balanced proportion of malts and hops while IPAs have no clue what self-control is, chooses to remain drunk off its own hops and ego, and eventually interrupts Taylor Swift during the middle of an acceptance speech in what can only be described as a desperate cry for mental help. Anyway, this beer is good.
Photon Light Lager
This beer company has some serious style and their light lager rocks it with class too. This little beverage looks like it was designed by a mad scientist and it tastes like one too. Though light in calories and alcohol content, this beer still carries a stubborn and distinctive flavor. If you’ve ever wondered what it’d be like if Rick and Morty designed a beer (of course you have, look at you, you bearded weirdo) then this is definitely going to jump start your jollies. Trust me, I’m weird and slightly bearded too.
Kimmy Gibbler San Francisco Lager
Why anyone would want to name a beer after one of the most repellent characters from one of the most unfunny sitcoms ever made is simply beyond me. I mean, San Francisco, I get it, but the last thing I want to think of when I open a beer is Andrea Barber barging into my house, ruining my day with whatever, inane, wince-inducing, one-liner the show’s writers thought of that day. Sorry. I’ve got a lot of strong opinions about that show. Luckily though, the Kimmy Gibbler is nothing like its namesake. Light and crisp with just a skosh of a hoppy finish, this beer is actually pretty charming and leaves you wanting more. Unlike the actually Kimmy Gibbler, who should probably just go back home to her own family.
Highland Games Scottish Ale
Rolling out strapped with a katana and blaring a gnarly Queen tune, this Scottish Ale doesn’t mess around. Dark and vengeful, the Highland Games fights to retain honor for house MacLeod. Unlike nearly every Highlander movie besides the first one, this beer actually doesn’t disappoint. Alright, Endgame was okay, but we have to accept the fact that the Highlander franchise is just as revoltingly terrible as it is awesome. Either way, this brew is gonna make you raise your glass in victory while lightning crackles overhead as you claim the quickening from everyone else passed out around you. “In the end there can only be one” and it might as well be you and a good beer.
So yeah, next time you go into a bar or you’re wandering down the ENTIRE AISLE OF IPAs in the grocery store, just remember that other beers exist. Oh, and that IPAs suck and are super overrated. There. I said it.
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